When people hear the word “grief,” a sequence often comes to mind: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages have become so widespread that they’re thought of as a staircase—first one step, then the next. Once you reach the top, the grief is over.
In reality, however, Kübler-Ross observed these stages in terminally ill patients, not in people experiencing grief. And she never described them as a sequential transition. William Worden offered a more useful framework in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. Grief isn’t about stages—it’s about tasks.
Why “tasks” instead of “stages”
A stage is passive; a task is active. A stage is something that happens to you. You wait for it to pass. A task, however, is something you do. This is where Worden’s perspective differs. Grief is not something you wait for in sequence; it is a process you go through.
This perspective also relieves pressure. Someone who blames themselves for “not having reached the acceptance stage yet” is actually looking at the wrong map. There is no set order to the tasks. You move back and forth. One day you’re doing well, the next you’re not. This isn’t a setback; it’s the nature of grief.
Worden’s Four Tasks
Worden identifies four tasks. The first is accepting the reality of the loss. At first, the mind denies it; the feeling that “they’ll just come back” persists. Accepting the truth doesn’t happen all at once; it settles in over time.
The second is being able to bear the burden of grief. Running away from grief doesn’t make it go away; it just brings it back in another form. To bear it is to go through the grief without suppressing it.
The third is adapting to a new life. The person who has been lost is not just a person. A role, a habit, and a rhythm of life are also gone. It takes time to establish a new balance with this void.
Fourth is reconnecting with life while maintaining the bond. Worden adds a subtle nuance here. It is not necessary to forget. One can return to life while the bond with the loved one continues. It is not about severing the bond, but finding a new place for it.
The Place of Meaning
In his book Finding Meaning (2019), David Kessler adds something to this framework: meaning. The meaning of loss does not erase the pain. But it places the loss in a manageable context. Finding meaning is not about forgetting the loved one. On the contrary, it is a way to sustain the bond formed with them. Frankl’s influence is evident here as well. Even in the face of inevitable pain, a person has the capacity to choose a response.
What Happens in Coaching
Grief coaching does not rush the grieving process; it accompanies the person at their own pace. The goal is not to end the grief as quickly as possible. That is not even possible. The point is to create a space where the person can carry out their tasks at their own pace.
A note is in order: Coaching is not therapy. If complex grief, deep depression, or a situation that impairs functioning is involved, the right step is to seek out a specialist. Coaching exists to support a healthy grieving process, not to treat a clinical condition.
Cevvela’s Perspective
- Grief is not a sequential staircase; it consists of tasks to be completed.
- Stages are passive; tasks are active. Grief is a process one goes through.
- There is no set order to these tasks; one moves back and forth between them.
- There is no need to sever the bond; a new place is found for it.
- Coaching does not rush the grieving process; it accompanies the person at their own pace.
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