How to Choose a Mentor

The search for a mentor usually starts with one question: "Who has the most experience?" But that's not the right question. The right question is: "Can I be genuinely honest with this person?"

Experience matters. But it's not sufficient on its own.

The Question Most People Get Wrong

When people look for a mentor, they tend to focus on: job title, industry, sphere of influence, LinkedIn follower count. These serve as useful reference points. But mentorship is a relationship — not a CV review.

If the relationship doesn't work, neither does the knowledge transfer. If the most experienced person in the room is someone you don't feel safe being candid with, what exactly do you gain?

People who choose mentors the way they'd choose a certification programme often quietly walk away after a few sessions. Then they frame their disappointment as: "Mentorship just doesn't work."

Compatibility: The Overlooked Criterion

Values alignment matters. How closely does this person's understanding of career, success, and relationships match yours? Differing perspectives can be instructive — but a significant gap in core values will slowly erode the relationship.

Feedback style matters just as much. Some mentors wrap every piece of feedback in so much positivity that the message disappears. It feels encouraging but teaches you very little. Working with someone who gives honest, direct, and respectful feedback is far more valuable.

And then there's this: are they actually listening? Not waiting for you to finish so they can share their own story — but genuinely listening?

Early Signals

The first conversation tells you a great deal. Pay attention to:

How was the power dynamic established? If they dominated the entire conversation — lecturing rather than asking questions — take note. Mentorship is not a monologue.

Did you feel understood? If they jumped to solutions before understanding your context, they'll likely spend most sessions talking about their own experience, not your situation.

Can they hold a boundary? A good mentor manages their time and energy. They may not respond to every message immediately. This isn't a weakness — it's a sign of a healthy dynamic.

A Somatic Check

This may not sound professional, but it genuinely works: how does your body feel during a conversation with this person?

Excitement and mild nerves are normal. But if your shoulders are tense throughout, if you're filtering everything you say, or if you leave the conversation thinking "glad that's over" — this relationship won't serve you.

Your body knows the difference between productive discomfort and the kind that makes you want to avoid. Take that information seriously.

When Is the Right Time to Look for a Mentor?

A mentor can be valuable even outside of a major transition. But the search tends to crystallise in moments like these:

You're moving into a new role or industry. You're stuck, but you can't quite see where. You're facing a significant career decision and need a perspective you can trust.

Before you start looking, ask yourself: what do I actually want from this relationship? If you can't articulate that clearly, you won't be able to meet a mentor where they are either. Even the most gifted mentor can do very little with a vague request.