Stated Values vs. Lived Values
Most people can answer the question, “What are my values?”: family, honesty, growth, freedom. But how well does this list align with the decisions you’ve made over the past six months?
Within the framework of Steven Hayes’ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values appear in two forms: stated values (what we say) and lived values (what actually underlies our behavior). When these two don’t align, tension arises—and that’s exactly where the feeling that “my life feels off” comes from (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson, 1999).
To discover your true values, you need to start with behavior, not a list.
From Behavior to Values: Three Questions
Russ Harris’s method for discovering values (The Happiness Trap, 2008) uses concrete questions:
First question: What have you devoted the most time and energy to in the last six months? This list shows what you’ve done, not what you’ve said.
Second question: Which decisions make you feel lighter, and which make you feel heavier? Your physical reaction after a decision offers a clue about alignment with your values. A sense of lightness usually signals a decision that aligns with your values; a sense of heaviness signals one that conflicts with them.
Third question: If you were living for someone, what would you want said about you at their funeral? This question looks back, not forward, and often reveals a clear set of values.
Values or Goals?
This distinction is important and is often confused.
According to Harris’s definition, goals are things that end once they’re achieved. “Completing this project” is a goal. Values, on the other hand, are guiding principles that never end. “Doing work with care and integrity” is a value. As goals are completed, values continue to fuel new ones.
Why is it important to understand this distinction? Because framing values as if they were goals leads to burnout. When “being a better parent” is set as a goal, it becomes an unattainable standard. When it’s framed as a value, however, it becomes a guiding principle that can be lived out through small decisions every day.
How Does Value Misalignment Make You Feel?
ACT research shows that value incongruence is one of the primary sources of psychological distress. If someone defines their career value as “creativity” but has worked for years in a purely procedural job, this incongruence creates tension in the nervous system. This tension often manifests as unhappiness, a sense of meaninglessness, or chronic fatigue.
An interesting finding: simply knowing one’s values isn’t enough. Hayes’s research shows that value awareness is only associated with well-being when one takes action in line with those values. If knowing isn’t followed by action, it can have the opposite effect: the frustration of thinking, “I know my values, but I’m not living by them.”
A Practical Starting Point
What’s the smallest value-aligned step you can take this week? It doesn’t have to be a major life change; it’s the next decision, the next hour. This scale is both realistic and sufficient to learn how value alignment feels physically.
“Values aren’t the place you want to reach; they’re the direction you want to walk in.” > Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap, 2008
Cevvela’s Perspective
- Psychological distress begins when stated values and lived values don’t align; it’s necessary to derive true values from behavior (Hayes, 1999).
- Behavioral analysis, the “funeral” question, and post-decision physical reactions are more effective tools for discovering values than a simple list.
- Confusing values with goals leads to burnout; values provide direction, while goals are the steps.
- Value awareness alone is not enough; if no action is taken, it can have the opposite effect.
- Coaching can be used in this process to identify the gap between stated and lived values and to determine a concrete next step.
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