The Problem Isn’t Willpower
The phrase “I couldn’t say no again” is often accompanied by self-criticism: Am I a weak person? Why am I like this? This frame of mind is both misleading and unhelpful in finding a solution.
Harriet Lerner, in her decades of clinical work on relationship dynamics, defines the inability to set boundaries not as a character trait but as a learned coping strategy (The Dance of Anger, 1985). If a child experiences at an early age that “when I express my needs, the relationship is put at risk,” the nervous system encodes this as a rule. In adulthood, this rule continues to operate invisibly.
This is something that’s been learned. And what’s been learned can be changed.
Where Does the Need for Approval Come From?
John Bowlby’s attachment theory explains this dynamic (Attachment and Loss, 1969). In early childhood, approval from a caregiver serves as a signal of safety to the brain. Conditional approval—the pattern of “I’ll love you if you behave well, but I’ll withdraw if you show need”—teaches the nervous system a lesson: adapt to stay safe; hide your needs.
This lesson operates on an unconscious level. The panic that arises in adulthood when a request is denied or a boundary is set is an echo of that early learning. The thought, “If I say no, I’ll lose this relationship,” can be evaluated logically, but the feeling is much more immediate and physical.
The Hidden Cost of Not Setting Boundaries
Continuing without setting boundaries maintains peace in the short term. But things build up.
In her research, Brené Brown observes a buildup of hidden anger over time in people with unclear boundaries (Daring Greatly, 2012). This anger is often not expressed directly; it manifests as passive-aggressiveness, exhaustion, emotional withdrawal, or sudden, disproportionate outbursts.
The feeling of “I’m doing so much, and no one notices” is often generated here. But that “so much” often consists of things done unwillingly, unspoken, or in contradiction to one’s own values.
Setting Boundaries to Protect Relationships
The most common belief about setting boundaries is: “If I speak up, I’ll hurt someone, I’ll get hurt, or the relationship will break down.” Research challenges the validity of this belief.
Brown’s finding: People with clear boundaries build more sustainable relationships with less resentment. That’s because there’s no keeping score in those relationships. What needs to be said is said; things don’t build up.
The boundary statement itself isn’t difficult: “I can’t do this,” “This doesn’t work for me,” “I have a boundary here.” The challenge is allowing the physical sensation that arises when forming this statement to pass through you rather than suppressing it.
“Boundaries are not the language of anger; they are the language of self-respect.” > Brené Brown, Daring Greatly, 2012
Cevvela’s Perspective
- The inability to set boundaries isn’t a matter of willpower; it’s an adaptation learned from early experiences of conditional approval (Lerner, 1985).
- The need for approval stems from early security learning, as predicted by attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969).
- In boundary-less relationships, pent-up anger begins to accumulate; this anger often damages the relationship more than open conflict does (Brown, 2012).
- Setting boundaries isn’t about cutting off the relationship; it’s about moving it to a more sustainable foundation.
- In this process, coaching can be used not only to find the right way to set boundaries but also to identify the patterns that prevent that from happening.
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