Whose Voice Is This?
When making a career decision, it’s sometimes hard to tell: is this decision truly mine, or is it an expectation I’ve internalized?
“It should be a secure job”—is that your mother’s voice, or your own values?
“It should be a prestigious place”—is that your father’s approval or your own priorities?
“I should be an entrepreneur”—is that pressure from your social circle or a genuine drive?
It is possible to distinguish these voices from one another. But most of the time, it doesn’t happen on its own.
How External Expectations Are Coded
Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s self-determination theory identifies three types of motivation (2000): internalized (stemming from my own values), identified (adopted because I find it important), and external (to conform to someone else’s expectations).
These three often overlap. Someone who has grown up for a long time with family expectations may now feel those expectations as if they were their “own values.” This internalization operates on an unconscious level.
There’s a telltale sign: when making a decision, does the brain say, “This is the right choice,” or “What would happen if I stepped outside of this?”
Murray Bowen’s Concept of Differentiation
In Murray Bowen’s family systems theory, “differentiation” is defined as a person’s capacity to distinguish their own thoughts and feelings from their family’s expectations (Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, 1978).
Low differentiation manifests in the following ways: prioritizing the question “What will the family say?” over “What do I want?” before making a decision; narrowing one’s choices out of fear of losing the family’s approval; or being certain of one’s own opinion but unable to voice it.
Differentiation does not mean cutting ties with the family. It means knowing what the family’s reaction will be but choosing to move forward based on one’s own judgment.
A Practical Test for Career Decisions
When considering a career option, ask yourself two questions:
“What is the real reason I’m choosing this path?” — Is it curiosity, meaning, energy, or growth? Or is it to avoid disappointment, judgment, or to seek approval?
“Would I still choose this path if no one knew about it?” — This question removes social approval from the equation and reveals the true source of the choice.
If the answer to the second question is “no,” it indicates that the decision is driven by external pressure. This isn’t a condemnation; it’s data. And it’s possible to work with this data.
Independent Decision-Making and Relationships
The most common concern: “If I make my own decision, I’ll disappoint my family, and the relationship will suffer.”
Brené Brown’s research addresses this concern from a different perspective (Daring Greatly, 2012): relationships based on honesty are healthier in the long run—both for the individual and for the bond. Someone who constantly conforms eventually wears down both themselves and the relationship.
There may be temporary tension. But this tension is less costly than the resentment that comes years later from thinking, “I made this decision for someone else.”
“Every authentic choice is an act of courage.” > Adapted from Brené Brown, Daring Greatly, 2012
Cevvela’s Perspective
- In career decisions, asking “Whose voice is this?” is the first step toward making internalized expectations visible.
- External expectations can come to feel like internal values over time; to distinguish between them, one must examine the source of motivation (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
- Differentiation does not mean cutting ties with family; it means being able to move forward based on one’s own assessment while being aware of the family’s reaction (Bowen, 1978).
- The question, “Would I still choose this job if no one knew about it?” tests true motivation by setting aside social approval.
- Coaching can be used in this process to distinguish one’s own voice from the voices of others and to establish a foundation for autonomous decision-making.
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