Same Movie, Different Actors
It’s a strange feeling to realize that a relationship that began with the promise, “I won’t make the same mistake again,” eventually ends up back at a familiar place. The person is different, but the feeling is the same. The arguments revolve around the same issues. The breakup leaves the same pain.
This is no coincidence. Nor is it bad luck.
John Bowlby proposed that the brain processes relationships based on patterns established early in life. He called this the internal working model (Attachment and Loss, 1969). This model contains implicit answers to questions like, “How do relationships work? What can I expect? What am I expected to give?” And these answers operate on an unconscious level.
The brain codes what is familiar as safe. That’s why, when encountering someone who creates the same dynamic, something clicks: this person feels familiar. This feeling shapes our choices.
Attachment Styles Explain This Choice
Mary Ainsworth’s work identified three basic attachment styles; subsequent research added a fourth (Patterns of Attachment, 1978):
Secure attachment: closeness can be both sought and let go of. Adults with this style experience fewer dramatic ups and downs in their relationships.
Anxious attachment: Fear of abandonment is high, and the need for reassurance is pronounced. Constant reassurance is sought in the relationship; this often creates distance in the other person. This distance fuels the fear. The cycle begins.
Avoidant attachment: Closeness is perceived as a threat. While attachment is sought, there is also a simultaneous tendency to withdraw. As closeness increases, a withdrawal reflex kicks in.
Disorganized attachment: Both closeness and distance feel threatening. This typically stems from situations in early life where the caregiver was also a source of threat.
These styles are not predetermined. But it’s difficult to change them without first recognizing them.
Patterns Come Before Thought
Daniel Siegel’s neuroscience research shows that these patterns are stored in implicit memory (The Developing Mind, 1999). Implicit memory operates unconsciously: a reaction comes before a decision, and emotion precedes thought.
That’s why the decision “I won’t do this anymore” is often not enough. The mind has made the decision, but the body is still following the old pattern. This isn’t a problem that can be solved by willpower alone; it requires recognizing the pattern at the bodily level.
Why Awareness Isn’t Enough
The statement “I’m aware of this now” is an important step. But on its own, it usually doesn’t bring about change.
Mary Main’s research on adult attachment offers a promising finding: early attachment styles can change. What she calls “acquired secure attachment” can develop through a secure relationship experience, long-term therapeutic work, or a conscious relationship coaching process (Adult Attachment Interview, 1985).
This process takes time. But the starting point is always the same: being able to recognize the pattern in the very moment it is triggered.
“The past does not determine the future; it prepares us for it.” > Daniel Siegel, The Developing Mind, 1999
Cevvela’s Perspective
- The repetition of a relationship pattern is not a matter of chance or poor choices; it is the result of the brain operating according to implicit templates (Bowlby, 1969).
- It is difficult to change the pattern without knowing one’s attachment style; identifying the style is the starting point for change.
- The pattern precedes thought; therefore, the decision “I’m aware of it now” is usually not enough on its own (Siegel, 1999).
- Early attachment style is not destiny; secure attachment can be acquired (Main, 1985).
- Coaching can be used in this process to identify the pattern at the moment it is triggered and to open up new avenues for response.
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