A Silent Erosion
The loss of identity rarely comes from a single dramatic event. It comes from the accumulation of small concessions. First, you say, “Let’s do it his way this time.” Then you stop voicing your own opinion because it’s not worth arguing over. Eventually, you stop being asked what you want because the answer is already known.
This accumulation is silent. And by the time it’s noticed, it has often already gone too far.
Donald Winnicott introduced the distinction between the “false self” and the “true self” in the context of childhood development (The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment, 1965). The true self consists of genuine needs, emotions, and reactions. The false self, on the other hand, is a layer of adaptation developed to conform to the expectations of the environment.
The false self is not a pathology; it is a social tool that everyone develops to some extent. The problem arises when this layer becomes so thick that the voice of the true self can no longer be heard beneath it.
Role Identity and Self-Identity
Social psychologist Henri Tajfel defined identity as consisting of two layers: individual identity and social identity (Social Identity and Intergroup Relations, 1982). Individual identity consists of a person’s unique characteristics, values, and desires. Social identity, on the other hand, consists of roles and group memberships.
In the process of living for others, social identity takes precedence over individual identity. The person now becomes, first and foremost, “the mother’s mother,” “the company’s trusted representative,” or “the one who keeps the household in balance.” These are real and valuable roles. But if the question of who lies behind these roles remains unanswered, something begins to erode.
Signs
There are several concrete signs of identity erosion:
The inability to give a sincere answer to the question, “What do I want?” It’s thought about, but there’s no inner voice.
Opinions and preferences shaped by others’ reactions. The question “What will they think?” takes precedence over one’s own views.
Not remembering when old interests were set aside. There used to be things; now they’re gone. But exactly when they disappeared remains unclear.
Discomfort when alone. When focusing on others becomes a means to an end, solitude can feel dangerous.
How the Return Begins
The framework of “I will find my true self” contains a paradox: it assumes that what is being sought is waiting in a fixed place. Yet identity isn’t static; it’s under construction.
Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation is useful here (Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, 1978): the goal isn’t to reach a perfect, unique self; it’s to develop the capacity to distinguish one’s own voice from the voices of others.
It starts with small steps. Making a choice based on one’s own perspective. Voicing a concern. Making time for something that has been put off for a long time. These actions do not rebuild one’s identity—but they signal that there is still a voice inside.
“The authentic self is not lost; it is repressed. And what is repressed is always looking for a way out.” > Donald Winnicott, The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment, 1965
Cevvela’s Perspective
- Identity loss is not dramatic; it is the silent accumulation of small renunciations (Winnicott, 1965).
- When role identity overshadows individual identity, the authentic voice becomes inaudible (Tajfel, 1982).
- Rather than searching for the “true self,” distinguishing one’s own voice from the voices of others provides a more functional framework (Bowen, 1978).
- The return is not a major transformation; it begins with noticing small, authentic responses and making space for them.
- Coaching can be used in this process to see through the layers of the false self and rediscover one’s authentic voice.
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