“When trauma is triggered, you don’t act according to your current age; you act as if you were the age you were when the wound was formed.” — Dr. Gabor Maté
We see this every day; but most of the time, we don’t realize what we’re actually witnessing.
Instead of trying to understand, we use language that quickly judges:
“Acting like a child” “Throwing a tantrum like a child.” “Sulking.” “Big baby.” “Whiner.”
These labels often miss the mark.
A person who has lost their emotional regulation isn’t “immature”—they’re overwhelmed. Their emotional development stalled at the age when the trauma occurred, and when triggered, their nervous system pulls them back to that moment when survival first became a necessity.
This isn’t weakness.
This is not manipulation.
This is trauma.
Penny Parks describes this powerfully in her 1990 book Rescuing the Inner Child: Children raised in chronic fear or abuse become emotionally drained; they pay an emotional debt that isn’t theirs—one created by the abuser.
The child’s resources are spent on:
- staying safe
- staying silent
- anticipating danger
- managing someone else’s chaos
- surviving what should never have happened
That is why emotional development stops—not because the child is “difficult,” but because their capacity is full.
Years later, in adulthood…
A tone of voice, a glance, a disagreement, a moment of pressure…
And the body returns to the emotional age of that first wound.
This isn’t childish behavior—it’s the voice of the inner child seeking safety.
When I ask a single question without judgment—“What happened to them, and how old were they when it happened?”—the entire dynamic shifts. Curiosity replaces shame; compassion opens the door to healing.
And perhaps you couldn’t say no back then; this isn’t weakness, just your nervous system’s freeze response trying to keep you alive.
If we truly want healing, we must stop asking, “What’s wrong with them?” and start asking, “What happened to them, and how old were they at the time?” When we understand the trauma, we stop shaming someone for the very reactions that once kept them alive.
Remember, you were just trying to survive.